Monthly Archives: September 2012

Wrapping myself up in kindness

There’s a time for reflection

A time for introspection

A time to dwell

And a time to move on

See me?

I am moving on.

..

We deserve to give only the best to ourselves. And that includes not allowing ourselves to be subjected to unfair words or accusations. I am standing strong. I will not let these words haunt my waking thoughts. I have given away my power too much to let people take my power away anymore. People can say whatever they like about me, that’s their choice. But I have choices too. I can protect myself from these words. I can turn away from the accusations and unkind words. I will not engage. I am my own person, I am strong, and I am better than to lower myself to the gossip that is going on about me.

I will not get angry. I will not lash out. I will simply turn and walk away. Then there will be no more fuel for their unkindness. “Disengage,” as they say.

..

I am feeling especially vulnerable, as I have read some unkind things this morning that people have written about me. It’s a bit mind boggling to be honest, and especially unexpected by one party. But so it goes, doesn’t it. What am I to do but to wrap myself in kindness. I can only let people hurt me if I let them. I refuse to let them. It is time to take care of me. And no one can take care of me better than me, right?

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Updates

As some of you know, yesterday was an extremely hard day for me. What probably most of you don’t know is that I was having the strongest suicidal thoughts that I’ve had in years. So that scared me a bit. I’m glad to be out of that storm. There are also other personal issues that have arisen that have caused me grief, but sometimes you just have to know when to let go of something and not let it bring you down. So that’s what I’m choosing to do.

I’m feeling in a bit of a vulnerable place, and I’m not exactly sure why that is. I feel like my “outer shell” if you will is quite thin, so that if someone really wanted to hurt me right now, they could. I suppose I just need to be gentle with myself and ask others around me that they be gentle with me as well…

 

Travel

I will be traveling for almost an entire month with the family I work for, starting on Oct 1. When I say traveling, I mean we will be staying in one place, but that place is very far from home. A six hour plane ride to be exact. And it’s in a very remote place that is quite expensive to fly into, otherwise my partner would consider flying out to visit. This will be the longest I will be without my dear partner since we met. It also means that I will be going several weeks without seeing my therapist. Also, because my hours are completely unknown at this moment – I’m going to be working very long hours most likely – it’s not possible to schedule phone sessions while I’m away. I’m sure I will have time to blog though – especially when Little Guy is sleeping. I will probably have nothing else to do to keep me occupied!

 

Therapy

Therapy is going well. When I say well, I mean¬†excruciatingly¬†painful, but I feel like we are finally starting to get somewhere. I know I haven’t been writing about my therapy much lately. I suppose it’s because it’s been so intense that I just needed to set it aside and focus my mind on other things so as not to overwhelm myself.

I don’t remember much of my last therapy session, except that I revealed something that I had done that I felt extremely guilty about and told her that I deserved to die. I had been triggered earlier that day by an event that I was angry at myself for and felt bad about. This event led to feelings of extreme self loathing and self hatred. At some point, I switched, and a very angry part took over. I assumed that it was R, but when my therapist asked if they were R, they didn’t answer back. So perhaps it was and perhaps it wasn’t. And perhaps if it wasn’t, then I’ve been thinking that this angry part who spouts off about hating the world and everyone and everything has been R when it really hasn’t. DID is so confusing sometimes…

 

Thoughts about my DID

I’ve also had some revelations about myself, my dissociation, and my DID lately that I’ve been wanting to share on here, but haven’t seemed to have the chance – I am a bit distractable aren’t I! (Is that a word? It seems like it should be…)

I’ve realized that my DID is different than many others with DID in the sense that my parts aren’t that separate from myself (they don’t have their own names, physical traits, etc) and yet they are separate enough so that I am still considered to be DID. Does that make any sense? R has the name R, simply because I forced her to pick a name (other than “my” name), and the name stuck. Same with Coraline, although I don’t call her by that name anymore. She is just “the difficult younger part” or something to that effect. But for the most part, these different parts of me don’t have that strongly developed senses of self. Most of them know that they are not me (and get quite upset when our therapist calls them “brandic”), but they also don’t know who they are.

 

My therapist is under the impression that the trauma is wanting to reveal itself. That that is the reason behind all the unexplained uncomfortable body sensation, the panic, the anger pushing up, etc that I’ve been experiencing very strongly in the last month or so. I don’t know what I think about this, other than that I hope she is right. I want to know what was so awful that caused me to have such severe PTSD and dissociation. Because truly, besides some emotional difficulties with my FOO, and a few uncomfortable sexual experiences, I can’t quite think of anything that would be traumatic enough to cause me to have the severe symptoms that I have. But most especially the PTSD. Because I can deny the DID at times, but I can’t deny that the PTSD is there. And for there to be PTSD, there needs to be trauma. So… what is the trauma*?

Hope all of you are well. I extend warm thoughts to all those out there reading, near and far. I am grateful for each and every one of you.

Next up: My next Truth from 30 Days of Truth!

 

* That’s the million dollar question

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How to forgive?

So Faith over at Blooming Lotus posted a blog today about forgiveness that got me thinking. How does one forgive?

 

I realize I am holding onto past hurts. Some more subtle, some more blatant. But there are things that have happened in the past, with people whom I’m no longer in contact with, that simply put, I cannot forgive. The hurt just feels too big to let go of.

 

How does one let go and move on? I truly would like to know, because I seem unable to do this. I want to let go. I want to forgive. I want to move on. And yet I seem stuck in these past memories; in the past hurts; in the past wounds; in the past betrayals. I don’t want to be holding onto these things, and yet at the same time, I don’t know how to let them go.

 

I don’t often ask for advice, but this is one post where I am explicitly asking for advice. I really really would like to know people’s thoughts on how to forgive, so that I might be able to begin freeing myself from these things that seem to so often occupy my mind (and heart).

 

How does one forgive when the pain inflicted is just so deep? Is time the greatest healer, or are there things we can do to speed along the process?

 

[ps I know I probably should be writing my second entry for 30 days of truth, but honestly, the question is “what is something you love about yourself.” sorry but… I’m just not in a very self loving mood today!]

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Lonely Wednesday

Today I am feeling overcome with loneliness. I’m also having paranoid thinking that everyone who normally reads my blog (with the exception of one or two) has drifted off with the wind. That I have lost them somehow. This is probably not the case, but it’s something I am so fearful of happening that sometimes the fear bleeds over and threatens to make itself seem like a reality. Perhaps my regular commenters are just taking a little respite from reading?

Why does this idea scare me so. To lose my readers. I don’t know. And yet the idea absolutely terrifies me. Almost as though this is the only thing I have left, and if I lose this, I lose everything. Why should it matter though is what I’m wondering. Perhaps it’s days like today where I’m feeling particularly alone and vulnerable is when I feel I need my close-knit little support group near, cheering me on. And even saying this sends huge waves of guilt through me, because, how dare I want anything from anyone. How totally and completely selfish of me.

Ugh. So yeah. My mind today is presenting me with all sorts of fun challenges as you can see.

I think I’m having a day where I’m just feeling a huge sense of loss for all the people I have lost in the last few years, and it feels like quite a few. Several of those being people I could, at one time, call my closest friends. How is it that one’s closest friends can just up and leave. Fade. Vanish. Walk away and never look back. I don’t understand.

The pain in my heart of these losses is enormous. It makes me want to cling to the small handful of people I have left. And then I wonder how confident I can be that these people won’t slowly drift away either. Because that’s what people seem to do isn’t it.

Don’t mind me, my mind is just having one of its very sad and heavy days.

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As the world turns

the world goes round and round

up and down

my tears they blink

then hit the ground, like raindrops

scattering around my toes

all our woes dissipate like snow

melting in the sun, everyone

frolics and feels free

you and me, forever

quietly seeking solace

in a gentle caress of the other

my tears, they’ve been shed

now it’s time to rest

in your arms of loneliness

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