I am falling into nothingness. My thoughts swarm like bees in a hive yet on the surface all is still. I want to break the bitter silence with my scream. Let it rip through the impenetrable layers of my mind and tear holes in my flesh. Let my body bleed so that my mind doesn’t have to. My mind has been bleeding my whole life. One long continuous flow of pain.
When will it ever stop?
I’m having one of those days. Where every cell in my body is screaming, where I feel like I’m ready to explode. Where there’s no outlet for this intensity. Yeah, one of those.
I think I’m ready to start writing again. I’ve learned a lot about myself these last many months, some of which I’m wanting to share on here, but all in due time. There were some events that occurred which caused me to pull away for a while, but I’m ready (I think) to give it another go. There are several reasons for me to want to start writing again. One is, I’m feeling an ever-growing loneliness, and this blog is a way for me to connect. Even if it’s not face-to-face, it still gives me a sense of community and belonging, things I’ve been feeling a lack of lately. Second, it allows me to share innermost thoughts and feelings that normally just stay hidden and buried inside me with nowhere to go. There is so much that constantly goes through my mind that I feel unable to express or verbalize externally. Writing seems to be the only avenue that allows me to express some of that stuff.
There may not be any of my old readers who are still hanging around, but if you are, I am grateful. But regardless, it feels good to be back, even though the return may feel a bit bitter-sweet.
More later, but for now… hello again.