Getting away from the day to day sometimes can help you look at your life from a different perspective. As I sit here, soaking in the sun and the cool ocean breezes, I’m left wondering about my life and about life in general. Some people say, “Life is beautiful.” I say, life can be beautiful. But it is not always. Yes it is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that there are some people who only see what is wrong in life. I am not one of those people. I try to see beauty whenever and wherever I can. However life can also dictate how much beauty we see, and how much beauty there is. I think some people who have had relatively easy or pain free lives may not consider this. My life has been full of pain and hardship, and for much of my existence, life hasn’t felt beautiful to me. But through the slow and often painful process of healing past traumas and wounds, beauty is becoming more available to me.
I think there is a difference between a victim and a survivor. I’d like to think of myself as a survivor. I was once a victim, yes, as are so many others. My hope for others, as well as myself, is that we can heal our past so that we can see more beauty in the simple things of life. Sometimes it takes a break from the day to say to gain that appreciation of beauty back.
Certain things have caused me, in the past, to get into a chronically triggered/panicky state. At the time I didn’t realize that this particular thing in my life was causing all the emotional turbulence that it was. When I realized what was happening, I changed the situation so that I could try and get myself back on solid ground.
For a while, the dust began settling, and things felt emotionally stable. Or at least I was getting there. I was staying strong and was refusing to let this thing that had a hold over me in the past infiltrate my life and mind. I have let myself become weak and have made my mind susceptible to this thing that was so destabilizing before. And I only have myself to blame.
Certain habits are so engrained, they are hard to break. Even habits that we know make us worse and unstable. And in my case, make me overcome with dissociation and feelings of panic. I have to put my foot down and say no more. I will not do this thing anymore that ultimately makes me feel bad about myself and turns my emotional world upside down.
Why are we lured into the web of the spider, even when we know we are walking right into a trap?
I must offer kindness and strength and forgiveness to myself for falling into old patterns, and for allowing my mind to become weakened. I will go forward with a renewed strength and intention of my betterment and healing, and forgive myself for putting myself in harms way; forgive myself for walking right back into the spider’s web.
Tonight I am in awe of the love I receive from my partner. It grounds me. It stabilizes me. It strengthens me. It heals me.
To think that someone could love me so much, can see only my strengths, who wants only the best for me, who loves me with everything she has and with everything that she is. I am in awe. And I am tremendously lucky.
What would I do without her? She is the love of my life. She loves me through thick and thin. She supports me. She is there when no one else is. She is my best friend. I am very, very blessed.