Contemplation

Getting away from the day to day sometimes can help you look at your life from a different perspective. As I sit here, soaking in the sun and the cool ocean breezes, I’m left wondering about my life and about life in general. Some people say, “Life is beautiful.” I say, life can be beautiful. But it is not always. Yes it is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that there are some people who only see what is wrong in life. I am not one of those people. I try to see beauty whenever and wherever I can. However life can also dictate how much beauty we see, and how much beauty there is. I think some people who have had relatively easy or pain free lives may not consider this. My life has been full of pain and hardship, and for much of my existence, life hasn’t felt beautiful to me. But through the slow and often painful process of healing past traumas and wounds, beauty is becoming more available to me.

I think there is a difference between a victim and a survivor. I’d like to think of myself as a survivor. I was once a victim, yes, as are so many others. My hope for others, as well as myself, is that we can heal our past so that we can see more beauty in the simple things of life. Sometimes it takes a break from the day to say to gain that appreciation of beauty back.

Some relief / Secure attachments

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The painting above describes my overall state of having been overrun by very difficult emotion turmoil for days now. The tears hold both exhaustion and relief.

 

 

As soon as I left work, I began feeling better. The chaos and agony and “hell” that I had been experiencing for a huge part of the day subsided. I’m not sure why exactly, but this has led me to believe that perhaps it is my work that is triggering me**. I don’t know why it would; Little Guy is amazing. We have a great relationship, a wonderful bond, and as he gets bigger I feel as though I’m able to understand his wants and needs much better and therefore he’s much less frustrated than he was before. So why would this be triggering for me?

My therapist suggested that it’s difficult because I’m starting to experience, with him, the type of (healthy) interaction that I didn’t get from my own parents. With me he has a secure attachment; with my parents, and my mom in particular, I believe I had an insecure attachment. Until my therapist said that though, I honestly hadn’t even thought of it that way. I love and appreciate the relationship that Little Guy and I have, and I cherish it. At some point when I first started this job, I was thinking about starting graduate school in the near future. But there’s no way I’m going to do that now. At least while Little Guy is… well… little. He has developed an extremely strong attachment to me, and as my therapist aptly pointed out, “You have become his primary attachment figure. Just make sure that you don’t disappear.” She is absolutely right, since I believe I have become his primary attachment figure. Which is wonderful and challenging at the same time. When he is deeply distressed, he only wants me to hold him. Not his mom… Not his dad… but me. I love that he loves and trusts me so much, but of course this bring in an element of confusion and jealously from the parents, especially the mom. And the sad truth is, he is usually quite distressed when he’s around his parents – for reasons I’m not going to get into, but I have an idea why. So… coming back around from my tangent… I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I’m sticking with Little Guy.

The most frustrating part of all of this is that these feelings take over me without any seeming trigger or provocation. Today, for example, was spent just me and him. Both his parents were out of the house. And my inner world turned to hell, especially when the little guy was asleep.

 

All things to think about and ponder. But for now, I will simply enjoy the relief from all the inner turmoil, and take some deep breaths in case I get pulled under again. Fingers crossed I won’t!

 

*** Artist credit: WYANNE

** For those who don’t know, I care for a young child as my full-time job. I guess you would call me a “nanny,” although I don’t particularly like that term.

Breathing and letting the dust settle, once again

Certain things have caused me, in the past, to get into a chronically triggered/panicky state. At the time I didn’t realize that this particular thing in my life was causing all the emotional turbulence that it was. When I realized what was happening, I changed the situation so that I could try and get myself back on solid ground.

For a while, the dust began settling, and things felt emotionally stable. Or at least I was getting there. I was staying strong and was refusing to let this thing that had a hold over me in the past infiltrate my life and mind. I have let myself become weak and have made my mind susceptible to this thing that was so destabilizing before. And I only have myself to blame.

Certain habits are so engrained, they are hard to break. Even habits that we know make us worse and unstable. And in my case, make me overcome with dissociation and feelings of panic. I have to put my foot down and say no more. I will not do this thing anymore that ultimately makes me feel bad about myself and turns my emotional world upside down.

Why are we lured into the web of the spider, even when we know we are walking right into a trap?

I must offer kindness and strength and forgiveness to myself for falling into old patterns, and for allowing my mind to become weakened. I will go forward with a renewed strength and intention of my betterment and healing, and forgive myself for putting myself in harms way; forgive myself for walking right back into the spider’s web.

The love of a partner

Tonight I am in awe of the love I receive from my partner. It grounds me. It stabilizes me. It strengthens me. It heals me.

To think that someone could love me so much, can see only my strengths, who wants only the best for me, who loves me with everything she has and with everything that she is. I am in awe. And I am tremendously lucky.

What would I do without her? She is the love of my life. She loves me through thick and thin. She supports me. She is there when no one else is. She is my best friend. I am very, very blessed.