Monthly Archives: October 2012

Sadness

Sadness hangs from me like overripe fruit from a tree. Why must we lose people. Thus leads to the question: what’s the point of it all anyway; if we lose everyone in the end, including ourselves, then what could possibly be the point.

Sadness. It overwhelms. I feel as though I’ve met my quota of loss for one life. I cannot possibly handle any more. And yet, according to statistics, I have over half (or possibly even two thirds) of my life ahead of me. Future loss of close individuals is inevitable. And yet, it feels overwhelmingly intolerable. I cannot lose another soul who I care about. Does this make me weak? Overly sensitive? Human?

Perhaps my heart is too fragile. More fragile than most?

Sadness. Runs down my sides like water from a beautiful fountain. And yet I’m not beautiful am I. And neither is my sadness. Cruel, perhaps. But not beautiful. And me? Just another casualty of an over-hardened world.

Please accept my apologies: I’m feeling a bit overly sensitive tonight. And, as if it weren’t glaringly obvious, weighed down with sadness.

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Words

Insomnia

Heart

Racing

Panic

Can’t

Breathe

What’s

Wrong

With

Me

I

Want

Answers

Anger

Rage

Frustration

Confusion

Mental

Hell

Wanting

Answers

Nothing

Making

Sense

Why

Me

Why

This

Why

Now

I

Bury

Myself

In

A

Cloak

Of

Scrambled

Truths

Let

Me

Be

Me

Stop

Hating

Stop

Judging

Just.

Stop.

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Updates (finally!)

Hey y’all! I say “y’all” because I’m in the South!

For the past two and a half weeks, I’ve been overworked, overwhelmed, and overtired. BUT… Finally, a couple days ago, help arrived in the form of Little Guy’s grandmother! She is amazing and wonderful, and has insisted that I have time off and take time for myself.

So as I write, I am sitting here in a local coffee shop that has yummy iced mochas and free wireless!

On a frustrating note, at brunch this morning with the family I work for, we overheard the family next to us saying some very homophobic things, particularly that their daughter, who is in seventh grade, is being “taught about same-sex marriage” and how disgusting and appalling it is.

Then on top of it, something that should be a happy moment – my favorite singer and idol, Brandi Carlile (thus my username) – announcing on facebook her wedding to her partner Catherine. I was happily reading along all the supportive comments, until I came to this one:

  • Congratulations! BUT, What a waste of two beautiful women for all of us men!!

As much as that bothered me, I tried to ignore it, and read on. Then I came upon the next comment:

  • rug munchers

As I read this, I could feel my heart start to race, and my anger start to rise. Keep in mind, these are comments that people are leaving on HER facebook post about HER beautiful wedding. Then, when I finally came to this comment, I had had enough and I had to stop reading:

  • WTF. XX + XX what a formula for procreation.

Homophobia is alive and well people! For those who think that “things are changing” and that people are becoming more open-minded, I have to say that it’s hard to believe that when you read bigoted, ignorant comments like the ones above. So what was going to be a happy update during my month-long trip away from home turned into a political (and personal) commentary about same-sex marriage.

Deep breaths Brandic…

Okay, well perhaps I should talk about what I’ve been up to. I’ve been mostly taking care of Little Guy morning, noon, and night. Which has been exhausting, and overwhelming at times, but he is so wonderful and amazing which makes it all worth it.

We are in a town that is very near the beach, and also has a river running through the center of it. And… it’s so GREEN here! I’m so used to pavement, pavement, and then more pavement living in a very congested, large city, so the peacefulness and serenity of a small town is so refreshing!

Little Guy πŸ™‚

And… it is a pretty liberal city by Southern standards. More Obama signs on people’s lawns that Romney. And I’ve found the “queerer” part of town where the women have tattoos and short hair and the men have dreadlocks, so I feel right at home. (I don’t have dreadlocks or tattoos, but you know what I mean…)

As far as my mental health goes, I’ve been so busy and sleep deprived that I haven’t had much time to think about much of anything, or for my mind to go to dark places. However, as the time has gone along, I have had more and more anxiety and panic. It got so bad that every time I was with the family, I began to have a panic attack – and then of course I had to try to hide it. I think it was because I wasn’t getting a single break or any time for myself, and I’m also not good at being assertive and asking for things for myself. Thus, my stress was coming out in the form of panic and physical stress. However, the panic seems to have gone down quite a bit since the arrival of the grandmother, who has taken it upon herself to make sure I get breaks and take free time for myself. I am quite grateful for this.

I don’t know the next time I’ll be able to check in with everyone, but for now I’m sending you all a big Southern HELLO! and hope that life is treating you well.

And dearest Elyn, I am worried about you… Please know that I’m thinking about you and hoping you’re okay. Please check in when you get a chance lovely? x

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Finally, a moments rest!

Hello to all my dear faithful followers. I am currently eating a Twix bar and laying back against a profuse amount of hotel bed cushions, enjoying my free time at long last. [Although I must admit, I will most likely be going to bed in about 10 minutes.]

It’s been a hard and intense last couple days. Long hours, very little to no sleep, no personal space or “me” time of any kind. Mom-of-little-guy had to work long hours today which I didn’t expect. I also was up for a couple hours in the middle of the night last night with him, since I’m sure it’s hard adjusting to a new place for someone so little…

Things Little Guy and I did today:

  • had a lazy morning
  • read lots of books
  • swam in the hotel’s pool
  • walked to the nearest grocery store
  • ate a complimentary buffet dinner, compliments of the hotel (I ate most of it – apparently Little Guy doesn’t like chicken and dumplings…)
  • gave Little Guy a bath
  • Ps It’s harder than I thought being a “traveling nanny”!

    Love and warm thoughts to all of you, my dear devoted readers. πŸ˜€

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    Pre-trip jitters

    I’m leaving this morning for a trip. I will be away for about four weeks. Why is it that when you are going away for a long trip and you wake up obscenely early (worrying that you didn’t pack everything), suddenly the only thing of any importance is getting every last little bit of music that you’d forgot to put on your ipod onto your ipod. That’s the mode I’m in right now. I’m in an importing frenzy. I have all my cds stacked on my desk, and once itunes kindly blips to me that the last cd is finished, I race to put the next one in. So um, yeah.

    I will be posting updates as the days go along, as I’m sure I will have ample time in the evenings to read and blog.

    I hope all of you have a great wednesday. I will be spending most of it on a plane with Little Guy and Mom-of-little-guy. And somehow trying to keep him happy and occupied, since now his new favorite things are running and climbing (he’s just discovered how fast he can truly run).

    I leave you with a song. (Anyone else like The Shins?)

    with smiles and gratitude,
    brandic

     

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    A good laugh and a long sleep

    No, this isn’t describing me… I’m actually completely sleep deprived from all the packing/worrying I’ve been doing about my trip. However, I saw this on facebook and wanted to share it with all of you. I agree with this wholeheartedly!

    Wishing you all a good laugh and a long sleep πŸ˜€

    xxx

    20121002-084300.jpg

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    hi friends

    hello friends,

    i am back after a short break. i needed to spend a little time away for personal reasons, but now i am ready to be back, and it feels really good. i have missed all of you.

    what’s new in brandicland

    hmm let’s see. i ended therapy with Bean on an angry whim (long story), then i changed my mind. am grateful that it happened though, because i’m not good at expressing my anger or addressing it, and in order to continue working together i had to do both. i didn’t want to just run away. so yeah.

    Little Guy is great. getting bigger every day. took him to the doctor the other day with the mom (just a routine check-up)Β and he would only let me hold him. it was very sweet. πŸ™‚

    i will be going away for a month. i’m really looking forward to it – i get to travel, see another part of the country, and get paid! Little Guy’s family will be traveling for work and i will be accompanying them. i love traveling and new experiences, so this is something i’m really looking forward to. we leave early wednesday morning – and i have so much packing to do between now and then. i don’t even know where to start!

    once i get settled in where we are going, i’m sure i will have more time for writing and reflection. since after i put Little Guy down to sleep, it will just be me and my thoughts, alone together. i’m sure i will be talking with all of you on here. i will also plan on continuing my Days of Truth then. til then, i’ll be checking in from time to time, and wanted to tell everyone who reads on here that i am okay, that you all mean very much to me, and i cherish you with all my heart. okay, sappiness, done. πŸ˜€

    love, love and more love

    -brandic

    ps here’s a song from one of my new favorite bands, Of Monsters and Men

    “And though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.”

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