Updates (finally!)

Hey y’all! I say “y’all” because I’m in the South!

For the past two and a half weeks, I’ve been overworked, overwhelmed, and overtired. BUT… Finally, a couple days ago, help arrived in the form of Little Guy’s grandmother! She is amazing and wonderful, and has insisted that I have time off and take time for myself.

So as I write, I am sitting here in a local coffee shop that has yummy iced mochas and free wireless!

…

On a frustrating note, at brunch this morning with the family I work for, we overheard the family next to us saying some very homophobic things, particularly that their daughter, who is in seventh grade, is being “taught about same-sex marriage” and how disgusting and appalling it is.

Then on top of it, something that should be a happy moment – my favorite singer and idol, Brandi Carlile (thus my username) – announcing on facebook her wedding to her partner Catherine. I was happily reading along all the supportive comments, until I came to this one:

• Congratulations! BUT, What a waste of two beautiful women for all of us men!!

As much as that bothered me, I tried to ignore it, and read on. Then I came upon the next comment:

• rug munchers

As I read this, I could feel my heart start to race, and my anger start to rise. Keep in mind, these are comments that people are leaving on HER facebook post about HER beautiful wedding. Then, when I finally came to this comment, I had had enough and I had to stop reading:

• WTF. XX + XX what a formula for procreation.

Homophobia is alive and well people! For those who think that “things are changing” and that people are becoming more open-minded, I have to say that it’s hard to believe that when you read bigoted, ignorant comments like the ones above. So what was going to be a happy update during my month-long trip away from home turned into a political (and personal) commentary about same-sex marriage.

Deep breaths Brandic…

Okay, well perhaps I should talk about what I’ve been up to. I’ve been mostly taking care of Little Guy morning, noon, and night. Which has been exhausting, and overwhelming at times, but he is so wonderful and amazing which makes it all worth it.

We are in a town that is very near the beach, and also has a river running through the center of it. And… it’s so GREEN here! I’m so used to pavement, pavement, and then more pavement living in a very congested, large city, so the peacefulness and serenity of a small town is so refreshing!

Little Guy 🙂

And… it is a pretty liberal city by Southern standards. More Obama signs on people’s lawns that Romney. And I’ve found the “queerer” part of town where the women have tattoos and short hair and the men have dreadlocks, so I feel right at home. (I don’t have dreadlocks or tattoos, but you know what I mean…)

As far as my mental health goes, I’ve been so busy and sleep deprived that I haven’t had much time to think about much of anything, or for my mind to go to dark places. However, as the time has gone along, I have had more and more anxiety and panic. It got so bad that every time I was with the family, I began to have a panic attack – and then of course I had to try to hide it. I think it was because I wasn’t getting a single break or any time for myself, and I’m also not good at being assertive and asking for things for myself. Thus, my stress was coming out in the form of panic and physical stress. However, the panic seems to have gone down quite a bit since the arrival of the grandmother, who has taken it upon herself to make sure I get breaks and take free time for myself. I am quite grateful for this.

I don’t know the next time I’ll be able to check in with everyone, but for now I’m sending you all a big Southern HELLO! and hope that life is treating you well.

…

And dearest Elyn, I am worried about you… Please know that I’m thinking about you and hoping you’re okay. Please check in when you get a chance lovely? x

As the world turns

the world goes round and round

up and down

my tears they blink

then hit the ground, like raindrops

scattering around my toes

all our woes dissipate like snow

melting in the sun, everyone

frolics and feels free

you and me, forever

quietly seeking solace

in a gentle caress of the other

my tears, they’ve been shed

now it’s time to rest

in your arms of loneliness

Exhaustion day

Today is one of those days when I feel absolutely exhausted – physically, mentally, emotionally – for seemingly no good reason. Usually I like to spend the time when Little Guy naps reading and getting caught up on others’ blogs, but today I simply don’t have the energy. Sorry everyone! I will catch up on everyone’s blogs soon. I’ve also been getting these weird pains in my head. Not a headache, mind you, but these odd sharp shooting pains that seem to come out of nowhere. I’m not too worried about it, after all my body tends to experience all sorts of strange unexplained pains on a fairly regular basis, but it’s still kind of annoying…

Hope everyone is having a good (or at least okay) Wednesday. More from me later – when I’m not so dang exhausted!

xx Brandic

Long day

Hello everyone out there who may be reading :). I’ve had a long, exhausting day. Little Guy didn’t take a single nap, so I didn’t get even the smallest break, and I had to work late on top of it. I’ve had many things I’ve been meaning to write about but just don’t have the energy at the moment. But I’m sending a warm smile your way, and hoping you all are having a nice week so far. Tomorrow is Wednesday, which means the work week is half over! Whoop!

Clinging to “okay”

I’m trying so hard to be okay right now. Probably the biggest reason I haven’t completely lost it yet is because I have the enormous responsibility of taking care of a young child. He needs me to be okay. So I have to be okay.

But it’s so hard.

Every single afternoon I’m being flooded with these body sensations. It takes all of my will power to focus on Little Guy and ensure that he’s getting the love and care and support that he needs. I feel like I’m having to be Super Woman.

I know I’ve been complaining about this a lot lately, and a part of me thinks I need to shut up because everyone’s tired of hearing about it, but I need to keep writing about it. I need to keep writing to stay sane.

These (nightmarish) bodily occurrences are squeezing out of me every last ounce of energy that I have. After the afternoon onslaught is over, I have no energy left in my reserve.

So right now I’m clinging to “okay”, and hoping against all hope that my therapist will be able to help me work through this stuff – and soon.

Let me dig myself a grave

Let me dig myself a grave to lay my body in
Once my body’s quiet I pray restfulness begins
For I can’t take my mind no more; this panic and this stress
Instead I’ll lay my body down and give this mind a rest

A rest from what, I’m not quite sure, but pressure’s rising fast
A tidal wave heads toward my shore, from which I cannot last
The wave will catch me in its might and wrestle me about
Under water I’ll be flung and there’ll be no way out

Instead I’ll dig myself a grave, a peaceful place to lie
Buried, hidden from the world and free from passers by
This grave where I’ll lay myself down will be a welcome cave
Protecting and embracing me while my mind melts away.

Sleepy Hollow

I am the queen of sleep. At least I have been this weekend. I’ve quite literally been on a sleep-a-thon, sleeping the last twenty-seven out of the last forty-eight hours. It’s like, no matter how much sleep my body gets, it needs more. And I’m not even depressed. Although I am going through some emotional things, and perhaps that is contributing to my insane amount of hours of sleep. Also, during the week, I hardly slept at all, so I’m sure I had some major catching up to do.

I don’t feel quite ready to talk about the emotional stuff that I’ve been dealing with, but I will write about it when I feel able. For now, during the hours I am awake, I’ve been trying to focus on outward things, like taking care of bills, and getting my laundry done. And it feels good to finally be able to focus on that stuff. I haven’t really been able to for a while it seems, and I’m happy to finally be getting stuff accomplished.

On a random note, I’m going to a baby shower this afternoon with my partner, and that reminds me of how much I want a baby of my own. When my partner and I were looking at photos someone posted online of a party we were at recently, and one of the pictures revealed one of my partners friends holding his baby, I said, “Aww, I want a baby…” My partner gave me this strange look, a What-you-talking-bout-willis! sorta look, and said, “You do…!?” Trying to let that roll off my shoulders, I responded, “yes, and I’ve told you that before baby!” She responded by saying, “and how soon exactly do you want this baby?” I said, “Well I’ll tell you, not very soon…”

She said what she normally says when I bring up the subject. How much work babies are. How I won’t be able to sleep in on weekends anymore. How we can’t do whatever we want, whenever we want like we can now. I told her I know, to all of the above, but that I still want one. She smiled and said, “oookay…” I’ve dealt with this sort of reaction long enough to not let it get to me though. I know she’s never had a desire to have children. We used to fight about this a lot in the beginning, until I stopped trying to push the issue. And now she’s come around to the idea, and has told me she will support me fully if that’s what I decide, and that she’s sure that once the baby is here, she will no doubt love it and want it dearly. And I have no doubt about this. I just look at how much she loves and adores our dog, and she threw several adult-size fits when I was trying to convince her to keep the dog. So I know she’ll change her tune once a baby becomes a reality. It’s just that I’m not close to being ready. I’ve got a lot more work I need to do on myself first. But that gives me even more motivation to work through as many of my psychological/emotional issues as I can in the next few years so that I can be the best mother that I can.

Still not well/ Therapy update/ Betrayal

I have a splitting headache, but I have a desire to post anyways. So here we go.

As you’ve probably gathered from the title, I’m still not feeling well. I’m still having stomach pains, and I have this gnawing headache that just won’t go away. And of course being in bed all day has exacerbated my back pain, so… good times all around :). But we won’t dwell on these things.

I ended up going to my therapy session yesterday, despite feeling as bad as I have been. As I was driving there, I realized I probably shouldn’t be driving. I was getting weak and dizzy and not able to focus very well on the cars ahead of me. Oops. Luckily we didn’t get into an accident!

I’m trying to remember what we talked about. Hmm. Bean was very aware of my not feeling well, and she kept commenting on my fluctuations in the coloring of my face. She is almost too observant sometimes in my opinion.

I remember mentioning that I had lost a friend of mine who had been molested by an older man and who ended up dropping out of school. That was in junior high. And that I had found out a month or two ago from my mom that I had apparently been questioned by detectives about it (!!!). No memory of that.

I remember becoming a frightened young girl in session. Telling Bean I was scared. I’m not quite sure what we talked about. Eesh my memory is foggy at the moment isn’t it.

After that part had surfaced and I had to come “back”, it was extremely hard and I was extremely anxious.

Bean said something like, “I bet that if your partner needed you right now, that if there were some emergency type of situation, that you’d be able to instantly shift gears and help her. Would you say that’s accurate?”

I said yes.

She said, “So you’re good at the quick transitions. What seems to be hard for you are the slow transitions. Does that seem about accurate?”

I agreed wholeheartedly. I am great at making quick transitions. I can switch in and out of states at the drop of a hat when needed. But as the clock clicks toward the end of therapy, it becomes excruciating, and I never want to leave. It just feels so safe there.

She said, “so what we need to work on are the slow transitions. One step at a time of course.”

Okay Bean, whatever you say.

Another thing that hasn’t helped while I’ve been so sick is that I had a friend essentially walk away from our friendship a few days ago. For really no reason other than he has too many “other things” going on in his life. Other things. Huh okay. This friend was an online friend, but still we had grown quite close in the several months I knew him. The ironic part about the whole thing is, I was leaning on him less and less toward the end. It became more of a light, carefree friendship. Or at least that’s how I saw it. So why he felt the need to end the friendship, well I’m still at a total loss. All I can say is that it hurts. It really hurts.

However strong I might act on the outside, however I might act like these sorts of things don’t affect me, they do. They really do.

I think that’s all I have the energy for at the moment. Readers thank you for sticking in there, those who I know and those who I don’t know. And if you’re feeling up to it, maybe you can send some healing thoughts my way. No obligation of course. 🙂

Sometimes words just aren’t enough

I want to desperately to convey what is going on inside of me, the sadness, the loneliness, the longing, the frustration, the confusion, the sense of separateness, the sense of isolation, the hurt, the pain, the weight, the pull, the exhaustion, the struggle… and yet words sometimes just seem to fall short. How can I accurately convey with words what I’m experiencing in this moment. I cannot. Maybe I shouldn’t have started a blog, since that’s the point, isn’t it? To use words to convey? Convey what? Anything, I suppose. I long to convey what I know to be true to me, what I know to be true inside. And yet I cannot. Something holds me back. Is it the words that are the true limitations, or is it myself? I wonder.

At this time, when words seem to be betraying me, I give you instead an image.