Pulled back under

Just when I thought the body memories were getting better, they have returned with a vengeance.

I want to scream.

I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t know what this is connected to. I thought it was related to the prenatal trauma, but the time doesn’t seem to match.

I can’t describe how I’m feeling. Every cell in my body is screaming. I have the unexplained urge for someone to beat me to a bloody pulp. To crush my body. That somehow that would calm this bodily angst.

Sorry for the graphic nature of this post. I’m just having all these crazy body sensations and don’t know what to do with them.

I wish I could lie down and have someone run over me with a semi-truck. Perhaps that would calm these awful sensations.

Tormented

It’s hard to describe what I’m feeling at the moment. The only word that aptly describes it is tormented. These body memories, or body sensations, or whatever you want to call them have me in their clutch. I don’t know why it’s worse today but it is. I feel like my insides are being squeezed and pushed. My mind is agitated. I wish there were something that could calm these feelings. They make me want to scream.

When these body sensations take over, I lose all sense of myself. I can’t think clearly… My mind is beyond restless… The world hurts… I don’t know what I can do to help myself. People have suggested sitting with the sensations and turning my attention toward them rather than away from them. That only increases them and all the agitation and swirling that goes along with it. Also, I can’t do anything too extreme – ie let myself go into a trauma memory (if that is, in fact, that’s causing all this) – because I’m at work. And by the time I get home these body sensations have subsided.

I can’t get out and take a walk, since the child I care for is napping and I need to stay here and monitor him. And besides, walking hasn’t seemed to help when I’m in this state, since being out in the open and having to pass by people just seems to increase the already overwhelming pain and agitation.

All I can think to do right now is keep breathing. And wait for this torment to pass.

The mysteries continue

I spoke with my father this evening. I made the obligatory call for Father’s Day. As I was talking to him, I could feel my calmness and serenity being squeezed out of me. What took its place was agitation. Agitation and anger. Even now I can feel the anger bubbling, brewing, churning, pushing up like hot lava wanting to erupt. Why.

Every time I’m around him this happens and I push it down. Every time he goes to hug me when I see him, a part of me is screaming inside. Why.

My father never abused me. Perhaps he was strict at times and perhaps he got angry at times, but overall he was attentive and affectionate. Or is just what I’ve convinced myself.

My thoughts are all jumbled. I feel like I’ve stepped into a nightmare and I’m not even sure why, or what the nightmare is. All I know is that something is just really really wrong.

Thankfully I see my therapist tomorrow. Perhaps we can begin to work out this mystery. I need to try to set this nightmare aside tonight. I just hope I can.

A nagging feeling

Something doesn’t feel right, and yet I can’t quite put my finger on it. Something feels out of place, but what is it?

No something definitely isn’t right. There’s this pressure, this nagging…

My hearing is off. The world feels skewed, off kilter. My body doesn’t feel real.

There is that nagging feeling again. A wanting to scream perhaps. A wanting to retreat perhaps. A wanting to lash out perhaps. How do I not know.

I’m outdoors. The light doesn’t feel right. The white is too bright. The world, it needs to… What. Go away? Collapse in on itself? Shatter and crumble to pieces?

The pain in my back. It’s keeping me in my body. It’s the bridge between my world and this world. My world? What is that? Do I think I am somehow the center of my own universe?

No, this just isn’t right. I want to peel back this world to reveal the real world hiding right underneath it. None of this is real. None of this is right. I wish I could press a button and make it go back to normal.