Blah!

Blah blah blah!

Racing thoughts, racing mind. When will it stop?

My body is so tense. My mind is agitated.

Just… Blah!

Stuck inside my head

Sometimes I get stuck inside my head and I can’t seem to be able to come out.  When this happens, I can’t function normally. I can’t really make eye contact or carry on a conversation. I am absorbed very much in my own world and in my head, and I pretty much shut the world out. Not by choice. It’s usually brought on by some stressful external circumstance, in this case being a birthday party where I had to talk to and interact with people that I didn’t know. I was able to hold it together during the party, but then pretty much had a major shutting down / withdrawal episode during the drive home. Don’t worry, I wasn’t driving! It’s like I go into robot mode, where I feel nothing and am on automatic pilot, and I feel like a foreign creature or alien, and the whole world feels distant and strange. This may be dissociation. I’m not sure. But whatever it is, it sucks and I wish I could function like a normal person sometimes.

Also my partner is taking me out tonight to celebrate six years of us being together. Yep, our six year anniversary. I feel so unprepared though, since I feel trapped inside my mind and unable to get out.

Also, do you ever feel like you are the only one that has the problems you do and that no one in the world can understand what you go through? Although intellectually I understand this to be false – I know other people experience many of the same things I do – it still doesn’t feel that way sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’m living on my own little remote island, and sending messages to the mainland using Morse code, or something like that. Connected to the world in some small, insubstantial way, but still an ocean away.

And that, my readers, is my mental rant for the day. I’m back and wanting to share. I hope you all have the patience for me and my mental ramblings.

Hope you all are having a nice Saturday.
-brandic