Long summer nights

I’m feeling particularly lonely tonight. And it’s not just tonight. It’s been a string that’s been tugging on me these last few days.

To give you readers an update, my partner and I are working things out. And that all feels really good. But then there’s just this nagging loneliness.

I’ve always felt very alone in this world. And it seems no matter how many social things I do, it doesn’t really seem to affect my overall level of loneliness. I think the thing that feels most lacking is having close friends. And I don’t mean this as a slight to my good friends. It’s just, I suppose I long for closeness with other people. Besides my partner I mean. And the ways I feel closest to people is in person and on the phone. Not texting. And what sucks is, my closest friends like texting to be the primary mode of communication. And this perhaps adds to the feelings of loneliness. Because how can you feel close to someone when you are typing words on a screen? I suppose some do. In fact, I know they must, otherwise they would seek out other means of connection. But for me it just leaves me feeling lonely.

Perhaps it’s related to the aspergers. Because I do have aspergers. And people who have aspergers tend to feel like perpetual outsiders in their lives. That pretty much fits me to a T. I prefer one-on-one to group things any day, although don’t get me wrong I enjoy group things. And I guess I feel as though I hardly see my friends on a one-on-one basis. People are busy. They have their own lives, I totally get it. But I feel like I’m stuck in this ongoing wheel of loneliness that I can’t get off of.

Some people are very content being alone and spending time alone. I’m quite the opposite. And yet I feel like I spend so much of my time – when I’m not with my partner, alone.

I don’t know how to make it better or remedy it. I’m not very good at making friends, since there are few people who I truly feel comfortable with.
And the friends I have are the kind of people who seem to cherish their time alone, for the most part. Except for my one friend who has aspergers who lives in another state. He helps me to feel less alone…

That’s all for tonight. I apologize if this is a woe-is-me post. I’m just feeling lonely and longing for connection. And I realize that sometimes even when I long for it, I don’t necessarily get to have it. That’s life I suppose.

Stuck inside my head

Sometimes I get stuck inside my head and I can’t seem to be able to come out.  When this happens, I can’t function normally. I can’t really make eye contact or carry on a conversation. I am absorbed very much in my own world and in my head, and I pretty much shut the world out. Not by choice. It’s usually brought on by some stressful external circumstance, in this case being a birthday party where I had to talk to and interact with people that I didn’t know. I was able to hold it together during the party, but then pretty much had a major shutting down / withdrawal episode during the drive home. Don’t worry, I wasn’t driving! It’s like I go into robot mode, where I feel nothing and am on automatic pilot, and I feel like a foreign creature or alien, and the whole world feels distant and strange. This may be dissociation. I’m not sure. But whatever it is, it sucks and I wish I could function like a normal person sometimes.

Also my partner is taking me out tonight to celebrate six years of us being together. Yep, our six year anniversary. I feel so unprepared though, since I feel trapped inside my mind and unable to get out.

Also, do you ever feel like you are the only one that has the problems you do and that no one in the world can understand what you go through? Although intellectually I understand this to be false – I know other people experience many of the same things I do – it still doesn’t feel that way sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’m living on my own little remote island, and sending messages to the mainland using Morse code, or something like that. Connected to the world in some small, insubstantial way, but still an ocean away.

And that, my readers, is my mental rant for the day. I’m back and wanting to share. I hope you all have the patience for me and my mental ramblings.

Hope you all are having a nice Saturday.
-brandic